On a personal note..

It's been a year. I can't believe it.

Sorry everyone, today's blog has nothing to do about work, and all about my personal life. I feel that since it's been a year, talking about this is just no longer allowed. I can't bother my friends anymore about it, because I can only imagine they're sick of hearing about it.

But... he's still on my mind.

I spent the day distracting myself, trying not to think about it. I worked out, then I worked out again. I cleaned my bathroom, my kitchen. Painted my nails. Downloaded photos off my camera - and even thought about posting them online. But being the girl that I am, I just can't get myself to stop thinking.

One year ago today the love of my life walked out on me, and I've had a broken heart ever since. To much to everyone's amazement, including my own, besides a few texts here and there to finalize moving out of our apartment (I moved out 5 days after the break up), we haven't really talked or even seen each other since that day.

I begged. I pleaded. And he left me.

And the only person to blame, still, after all these months is myself. I've become a negative person due to my job and ultimately it's the reason he left me. I made myself determined to get a new job, and even though I'm rarely at the reception desk anymore, my title is still "Receptionist". Besides "advancing my career path" and "building my resume" (as my boss likes to put it), all this job has done for me in the past 5 years is gotten me dumped.

Luckily I have amazing friends that put up with me, and all my negative ways. But God damn, that break up really fucked me up. (Sorry for the language, Mom!) I've convinced myself that I am a negative person, and now I just use it as an excuse for everything. I've always joked about not being a people person, but now I believe it. I keep telling myself that I just need to quit, but I literally wouldn't be able to afford my apartment. And what would I do when I quit? Would I be happier? Would I be able to get a job? Would I end up in another admin position?? The sheer thought of that happening makes me cringe. My college degree will be nothing soon. Do I care? Of course I do, I worked hard for that degree. But do I even know what I would want to do if I was able to pick any job??

I'm broken. I don't know how to fix it.

I've been dating since I was 16. From boyfriend to boyfriend, from long term relationship to long term relationship, I've always had a boyfriend. I can't believe I've been single for a year. I thought taking time for myself would have me focus on making myself a better person. Have I done that? I'm not so sure. I think the only thing I've accomplished in the past year was getting myself my own place, and being a great friend. No matter what I feel towards myself, I know for a fact that I am a good friend and I thrive on that. I have my girls. What more does one need? My sister and her husband are having a baby, my friends are all in relationships, moving in with boyfriends and getting married. I live off their happiness, and I think I'd be lost without their exciting news.

I just don't have the desire to date at all. I joke about it, talking about my future rich husband, but I dunno. I just can't seem to get over him. My ex, as far as I know, has moved on. As he should...I just wish I was able to as well.

Here it is midnight, and I'm awake, driving myself crazy with this. Why do I still think like that? Does he read my blog? I doubt it... Does he think about me? No... Should I just focus on my friend's wedding in September, with all the fun single guys and just get over him? (haha, I can hear you all saying yes!)

I didn't want to bother my awesome friends with my glum day, so lucky for all your blovers, you got stuck with it. I know it's not my usual post, and I feel silly even posting it, but sometimes a girls gotta vent. So let me go get a good cry in, listen to Adele's "someone like you", only to be followed by Sara Evans "Little Big Stronger", and get this out of my system. Ruby will be back with fun blogs, making fun of all the crazies that you all love reading so much :) I even have gained a new follower ;)

So until then... <3