The Wiper

Warning, this blog is intended for mature audiences only, and with that said, you've been warned.

My desk has the unfortunate placement that I can see who enters and exits the lobby bathrooms. When the door that connects the main building to the lobby opens, I usually lift my head up just to see if it's anyone needing to speak with me or not. And if it's someone just going into the restroom, I tend to not pay any attention. This being said, I will notice if you're in there coughing up a storm, puking (ewww), painting your nails (yes, that really has happened....twice), or flushing the toilet, once, twice, yes, three times.

I now know when certain ladies enter the bathroom, I know when to avoid it. It was a hard lesson to be learned.

One day, I really had to pee. So, not thinking twice (because I really don't stalk the bathroom as much as this makes it seem) I jumped up from my desk and went into the bathroom. Someone was already in there. So as I'm washing my hands, I hear this really intense raw scraping sound. Picture someone using a toilet brush on a wall, that scraping sound is echoing in the bathroom. Between being absolutely confused as to what the hell that noise was, and wanting to vomit from the sound of it, I literally ran out of the bathroom.

So what did I do? I watched the bathroom to see who was making that noise, of course. So now whenever I need to go to the bathroom I make sure to always make note of who enters so I never get stuck with "the wiper".

So today, the worst thing ever happened. My day had ended and I headed into the bathroom to change into my gym clothes. (I know, I could just change at the gym, but seriously, when you've seen naked old woman in the locker room, you never want to go back in there.) So anyways, I enter the handicap stall, lock it, and then I hear the door to the bathroom open. I had no idea. I'm changing from my work socks to my gym socks and obviously, like any public bathroom, you don't want to actually touch anything with bare skin. So I'm balancing on one foot, trying to get my sock on when the unthinkable happens. I realize I'm in the restroom with the wiper.

Here I am, sock less, on one foot, trying not to gag and cover my ears at the same time.

And it's not just a 2 second sound. This woman really goes to town. It's probably the longest 20 seconds of my life. I end up forgetting I'm without sock, curl up in the fetal position, cover my ears trying to block out the scraping sound. I may have even been rocking back and forth, I'm not entirely sure how I ever made it through the dramatic event.

As soon as I heard the flush, I literally didn't know if I was going to puke or start praising God for allowing me to live through it. I threw my gym clothes on and was out of the office in record time. I played upbeat music in my car full of lovey happy things, trying to block out the sound of The Wiper.

I unfortunately see this woman multiple times during the day, and she's a frequent visitor to the bathroom. The mere sight of her makes my stomach flip flop. I can only hope no one ever gets stuck in the horrible torture chamber of the wiper.

But seriously, what the heck is this woman doing?!?

The Interrupter

There is really nothing more annoying that having someone cut you off mid sentence. Unfortunately, with my position, most people don't care with what I have to say. Even if it's something I'm required to say, such as "Good Morning, Thank you for calling..." or "Sure, let me transfer you."

I know, it's really hard to wait the 10 seconds for me to answer the phone and greet you. It's so rude of me to think you want to listen to me! The nerve of me! There is this one lady that works for my company at a different location, who I have never met, but I have talked to every working day of my life in the past 4 years. Her name and number never appear on the caller ID, so I never know when she's calling. It's always an unpleasant surprise when I hear that British voice.

"Good Morning, Thank you for..."
"GOOD MORNING!!! May I please speak with Annie in Accounting?"
"Sure, let me..."
"THANK YOUUUU"

Not only does she cut me off every single time, but she's so damn happy every single time she calls. I'm at the point where I wish her number came up so I could just answer the phone "Gooood Mornn...." and trail off, or not even answer when I picked up the call.

And it's not just a once-a-day occurrence. This woman calls me about 4-5 times a day! And what kills me is that she's always asking for another employee working in the office. Or the same employees, everyday. Crazy lady, just get their direct dial! Then you wouldn't even have to deal with me! I'm pretty sure she hates me and just wants to get me off the phone as fast possible. So why even call the main number?!

Bill suggested that I start cutting her off, but she's like the sneaky ninja of all callers! Not only does she strike without notice, but she'll jump right on me before I can do anything! I should almost start applauding her for wanting to be the faster caller I have to deal with daily. But I think Bill is right, I'll start cutting her off while she's cutting me off. Two can play this game.

"Good Morning, Thank..."
"May I be transferred to..."
"SURE"

CLICK!

Who will I transfer her to? Who cares! Maybe she'll start getting people's direct dials because of this.... I'm liking this!

Oh sneaky ninja interrupter, this could be fun.

BRING IT!

I think she has tourettes

My day started off just like any other - miserable. It was busy, the phone wouldn't stop ringing and there were a lot of people coming in and out of the lobby. So by the time 3pm hit, I was beyond ready to be done with my day. Trying to find the strength to finish out my day, I get one fantastic caller. And I do believe she suffered from tourett.

A little background info before starting the story: Lady had called before, asking to speak to a benefits representative. Now, these calls go to an automatic voicemail system, but if you listen to the prompts, there is an option to "zero out" and speak to a live person. You unfortunately have to listen to this whole recording, that lasts about 3minutes long that tells you what to leave in a message before saying "OR if you'd like to speak to a live benefits representative, please press 1." The majority of people will not wait through this entire prompt, and most will call me back saying they just want a live person and don't understand why they must go through this voicemail system. But that's the way things are, and I don't care, so you're so stuck with going through it and listening to it....again.

Ok, now that we're all caught up, here's the story:
Lady, after being transferred to the help desk and instructed on how to receive a live person:
I DID WHAT YOU SAID AND STILL GOT A VOICEMAIL!!!

Me" "I'm sorry, who were you trying to reach?" (because honestly, I get so many calls, I can't remember them all)

Lady: UGH!!! Is it that f$#%ing hard for you guys to pick up your phones??

Me: "Ummm hello??"

Lady: "I used to work for this company and I used to think it was so great. Now I think you're all shitty!"

Me, after stopping myself from laughing, compose myself to ask her what I can do to help her.

Lady: "I know, I know, I'm CRAZY for wanting to speak to a live person!!! I'M CRAZY!!"
pause
Lady: "GOD DAMN IT!!!"

This is where I wold love to tell all callers that yes, the employees in this office rarely pick up their phones and I know it sucks, but other than transfer you, there's nothing else I can do. I convinced the lady that going back to the help desk was the best option because if all else fails, at least she can leave a voicemail message in the right department.

I know she's an ex-employee, but honestly, where do we find these winners?!?
And is it bad that all I could think of what the lady in "Deuce Bigalow" who had tourettes?

Yes, Ruby, it is. See ya Hell!
(2:55 PM)

Hi My Name Is.

I'm Ruby, and I'm the full time receptionist. Jade, short for Jaden is our part time receptionist who works a couple hours in the afternoon. We look nothing alike. I'm blonde, she's brunette. She's tall, I'm short. She has short hair, mine is long. There's really no good reason to ever confuse us.

Now I've had problems with co-workers calling me the wrong name for a while now. Everything from Sandra (the receptionist before me) to Renee (Still not sure where that one came from!). I know Ruby isn't a common name, but it's pretty easy! So needless to say, I'm used to being called the wrong name.

So today, I had the lovely pleasure of being stuck in the lobby with a creepy delivery driver. Unfortunately both my name and Jaden's name are on two name plates behind our desk. Mr. El-Creepo decides to start conversation by asking "which one are you?" Um, what? "Which girl are you, Ruby or Jaden?" Oh Jesus, now what do I do? "Are you Ruby?" yes, yes, I am, please leave me alone. That should end this game... right?!

So, thankfully John came out and picked up his order and it looked like El-Creepo was going to just walk out the door. But no, he turns around, looks at me, waves and says "BYE JAY-Z"! and walks out.

Shut the front door. Did he just call me Jay-Z? Now, not only did he ask if I was Ruby but I answered him correctly! Plus, he clearly said Jaden before, so I don't know where the heck he came up with Jay-Z! I mean, I guess Jaden sort of sounds like Jay-Z????

I told Jade the story when she came in and she got a good laugh out of it. I guess we will just have to wait and see when the guy comes back what he calls me.

Ugh, why do I get stuck with the crazies??

Working From Home

While I don't get the privilege of working from home like a lot of people who work in an office, one advantage of being a receptionist is that I never have to bring work home. Since I'm hourly, when that clock strikes 5 o' clock I know my work day is good and over!

So, please explain to me why for the past 2 days I have BROUGHT WORK HOME WITH ME!! Oh, that's right... the back up computer at work, which has excel on it, isn't working and likes to freeze randomly. And why is this happening you ask? Oh...probably from the porn site I accidentally clicked on! GREAT. So, of course, I've put a help desk ticket in with IT, and of course they haven't come to check it out! Which, I'm sort of relieved about because I'm afraid of what they might find!

So, since I've been trying to finish up a data entry project, and realllllly just want it over with, I've decided bringing it home with me might just be the fastest and easiest solution to my problem. There's nothing worse than working on an excel chart, entering all sorts of boring information, only to have your computer freeze, restart and lose all your data that was entered!

So here I am at home, entering data into an excel chart. On line 790. You've got to be kidding me! I'm debating putting in for over time, but dragging my boss into the whole mess of why my computer isn't working just doesn't seem like a good idea.

At least here at home, I get to wear my snuggie :)