The Wiper

Warning, this blog is intended for mature audiences only, and with that said, you've been warned.

My desk has the unfortunate placement that I can see who enters and exits the lobby bathrooms. When the door that connects the main building to the lobby opens, I usually lift my head up just to see if it's anyone needing to speak with me or not. And if it's someone just going into the restroom, I tend to not pay any attention. This being said, I will notice if you're in there coughing up a storm, puking (ewww), painting your nails (yes, that really has happened....twice), or flushing the toilet, once, twice, yes, three times.

I now know when certain ladies enter the bathroom, I know when to avoid it. It was a hard lesson to be learned.

One day, I really had to pee. So, not thinking twice (because I really don't stalk the bathroom as much as this makes it seem) I jumped up from my desk and went into the bathroom. Someone was already in there. So as I'm washing my hands, I hear this really intense raw scraping sound. Picture someone using a toilet brush on a wall, that scraping sound is echoing in the bathroom. Between being absolutely confused as to what the hell that noise was, and wanting to vomit from the sound of it, I literally ran out of the bathroom.

So what did I do? I watched the bathroom to see who was making that noise, of course. So now whenever I need to go to the bathroom I make sure to always make note of who enters so I never get stuck with "the wiper".

So today, the worst thing ever happened. My day had ended and I headed into the bathroom to change into my gym clothes. (I know, I could just change at the gym, but seriously, when you've seen naked old woman in the locker room, you never want to go back in there.) So anyways, I enter the handicap stall, lock it, and then I hear the door to the bathroom open. I had no idea. I'm changing from my work socks to my gym socks and obviously, like any public bathroom, you don't want to actually touch anything with bare skin. So I'm balancing on one foot, trying to get my sock on when the unthinkable happens. I realize I'm in the restroom with the wiper.

Here I am, sock less, on one foot, trying not to gag and cover my ears at the same time.

And it's not just a 2 second sound. This woman really goes to town. It's probably the longest 20 seconds of my life. I end up forgetting I'm without sock, curl up in the fetal position, cover my ears trying to block out the scraping sound. I may have even been rocking back and forth, I'm not entirely sure how I ever made it through the dramatic event.

As soon as I heard the flush, I literally didn't know if I was going to puke or start praising God for allowing me to live through it. I threw my gym clothes on and was out of the office in record time. I played upbeat music in my car full of lovey happy things, trying to block out the sound of The Wiper.

I unfortunately see this woman multiple times during the day, and she's a frequent visitor to the bathroom. The mere sight of her makes my stomach flip flop. I can only hope no one ever gets stuck in the horrible torture chamber of the wiper.

But seriously, what the heck is this woman doing?!?