Roses really smell like poo-poo

Today the CEO of the company decided to feel like he was at home. He came into the lobby, grabbed a newspaper and went into the men's room. He emerged about 15 minutes later, returned his paper and went on his day.

You and I both know what he was doing in there. And now, I have his poopy paper on my desk.

G-R-O-S-S.

Liar, Liar

Last week was so hot, your pants probably were on fire! Here at work that means the inside temperature is freezing due to the A/C and you have to bring a zip up so that you don't catch a cold from sitting in the sub zero temperatures. However, this past week, walking into the office actually felt nice. With that being said, let's get to the real story here:

The office manager, Jim, is the only guy I know that suffers from "migraines". He also usually gets these "migraines" on Monday and/or Friday. How convenient! So, when he had yet to be seen on a Wednesday at 11am, I knew something was up. Not that this is that shocking, this guy has the most ridiculous "schedule" ever. As an office manager, one would think you actually need to be in the office to do your job. Well not this kid, he usually strolls in between 10-10:30am and usually makes an appearance until 3pm. I started noticing his schedule, and starting making notes of every day he would call out "with a migraine" or any excuse, his best being he had to take his car to the mechanics to get new tires put on. Ugh. He annoys me.

So anyways, he's yet to be seen and a couple of co-workers and I find out from our boss, obviously nicked named boss boss, that Jim has called out sick. He has a migraine.

Uh huh. Sure. It's sunny and 97 degrees out, somehow I don't think so.

So, while us worker bees are actually working, a co-worker of mine decides to take a mental break and sign on good ol' facebook. Yup, you know where this story is going. So, while I'm not friends with this guy on FB, other people are and they saw his status, did a screen shot and emailed to a couple of us. Can ya guess what his status is?

"Sitting in front of my 2 ACs, not moving until softball tonight. It was to hot to go to work today"

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Are you serious?? Not only do you not have a migraine and that you're going to partake in a physical activity later, but you post it for the world to see and admit that you're playing hooky when your co-workers can see it!! I mean really, if you *need* to post something like this, at least block people you work with!!

So of course, we print this out. But now, what do we do with it?? Who hands it in to boss boss? Is it even a good idea to do that?? All of us want to get him in trouble but how do we go about doing it? It's not that it's forbidden to go FB, but do we want to admit that we were on it during work hours?? Until we figure out what to do, we've all just been giving him the stank eye. I'm so close to asking him how his softball game went, or telling him that I think it's too hot to work today... Ugh, what a jerk. How stupid can you be to post that online?!?! And not only that, but post it where co-workers can see!! He probably thinks he's so smooth.

So, my blog followers, what would you do??

Guess who's back

Hello, my blog following friends! I have returned!

I would like to apologize for my complete lack of blogging. Due to summer vacations, moving out of my apartment and a very sad break up, I wasn't up for blogging. But, I am now - and I have an endless amount of material to keep me blogging forever!! :-)

So this past weekend was glorious, and I spent both days doing what I do best - beaching and boating. So I decided to wear a wicked cute white v-neck shirt today because, well, I wanted to show off the nice tan I'm sporting! So, I pair it up with some gray pants (or my old man pants, as my sister likes to call them), throw on my cute wedge sandals and off to work I go.

And then, something awful happened.

No, I didn't spill my tea all down the front of me, or get ink all over myself (which I have definitely done before!) but....

I....

Matched....

MATCHING GIRLS!!!

Not only did I have a white shirt on, it was THE SAME shirt as one of them. Damn you Kohl's, and your fabulously priced shirts!! And while we had different gray pants on, they were verrrry similiar. Thankfully they had on red pumps.

It's definitely a weird feeling walking down the hall and all of a sudden noticing you have on the same outfit as another girl! I'm hoping no one else besides the 3 of us noticed...but somehow...I don't think so.

They even joked to me that we must all shop at the same stores. I almost wanted to comment if they planned to wear the same outfit, but I didn't. Instead I ran back to my desk. I don't think the office is ready for triplets just yet ;)

Oh, No Biggie

Yeah, that's right. Brad Pitt called me.

All in a day's work ;)

No Shoes, No Problem??

I reallllyyy don't understand people and I'm seriously losing faith in the human race.

At work we have what is called the "Employee Sign-In Sheet". It sits on my desk and when you forget your security pass that allows you access into the building, you check your name and I "buzz" you in. For some reason unknown to man, everyone in this office is deathly afraid of having to check their name when they forget their pass. Usually when one realizes they forget their pass, they do one of two things. Either they look at me and point to the door (without checking their name off) or they will SPRINT from one end to the other when they see someone exiting and opening the door, just so they don't have to 'check' their name off. Surprisingly none of them pay any attention when I check their names off for them. :)

What are they so afraid of and where does this fear come from?! The best part is that at the end of each week, I literally put the piece of paper in a folder, and place it in my filing cabinet, never to be seen again.

So here we are today. One overly tan lady comes in, says hello, and waves her pass at me. You're not required to show me your pass, I know who works here and who doesn't, but this lady alwaysssssssss forgets it. When she does have it, its a major accomplishment and we both like to acknowledge that she is capable of remembering herr pass. So, she shows me, we both smile and go on with our day.

Jump forward 20-30minutes, and she's back in the lobby, ordering her lunch. Only there's something weird about her. She hands me her money while I'm staring at her, giving her "what the helllll is wrong with you" look, when she walks back to the door (that's locked, and you have to use your pass for.) Only, what this I see? Cinderella is only wearing one shoe. She's walking around in the lobby, like a crazy peron, with one sandal on. WHAT? WHY?! Well, my friends, this special woman has decided to PROPT the door open with her shoe.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! Isn't it just easier to check your name off on a list? Or to ask me to buzz you in? Or, I dunno, REMEMBER THE PASS YOU JUST HAD?? She JUST had it! She showed it to me!

AHHHHHH what is wrong with people?!?!?!?!

The Smelly OCD Lady

Ever known anyone that smelled so bad that you literally had to hold your breath when they were around you? Welcome to my life when smelly OCD lady comes into the lobby.

In trying to find ways to compare just how stinky this woman is, think of when you open your fridge and can smell that something has gone bad. Or when you walk into your house and realize you need to take your trash out, asap. I'll even go as far as comparing her to the smell of a wet dog. That's how disgusting this lady smells.

Now before you start calling me mean (again!), I'm not making fun of her..(altho I'm sure I will), it's her perfume I don't like. She chooses to be this stinky. It's old lady perfume that is so potent I literally have to put my hand over my nose and mouth because can't breathe when she's around. So now the question is, does she think she actually smells good?? And how does she not see me gasping for air when she's around??

She comes into the lobby a lot. We do a lunch order daily, where I pick a local sub shop randomly, and if you forgot your lunch, or just feel like buying one, you look at the menu, pick out what you want, and then give me your money. Smelly OCD lady loooooooooves to order out! There's even a rumor around the office that literally eats alllll day long. I believe it. She comes to work every day with a suitcase on wheels, supposedly filled with all sorts of goodies - snacks, frozen meals, leftovers, that are meant to keep her eating all day long. Wouldn't you think she'd pack a lunch if she's going to bring a SUITCASE with food everyday? Hank even said he saw her heating up pasta..... at 9:30am...what?!?!

Besides being incredibly stinky, this lovely woman has some of the worst OCD I have ever seen. When she comes to order lunch, she actually has to have things on MY desk lined up a certain way before she leave. So I took a picture to show just how crazy she is. :)

As you can see, her obsessive compulsive disorder makes her literally have to have everything lined up a certain way. Her money MUST be tucked in to the upper right corner, fanned out (highest bill on the left), and on a diagonal. And of course, change MUST be presented on top of the bills. Duh!

Her pen must be on the lunch ordering form, and the menu has to be on the left side. So naturally, what do I do? I like to mess with her, and always move things around once she places everything the way she likes it. The first time I did it, I crumbled her dollar bills while picking them up, then dropped them and answered the phone. The horrified look on this lady's face was an instant classic. From that moment, I knew it meant I had to mess with her.

Let's just hope I don't give her a heart attack in the process. Or that I don't pass out from inhaling toxic fumes.

The Short Week

Ahh, there is absolutely nothing better than having a nice long holiday weekend. Especially one with great weather like the one we just had. Well no, I lied. A week long vacation would be better, but still, the same happens. It always ends and you always have to go back to work.

Short weeks are some of the longest weeks. And this week is especially slow since a lot of people are on vacation and I'm not. And not to mention I've had a lot of computer problems at work, so I literally just sit around and wait for IT to fix everything.

How is it possible that 4 days can drag on and be worse than 5? It probably doesn't help I've gotten a million mean callers, stupid visitors/randoms in the lobby and a computer than nobody in IT knows whats wrong with it, or really cares all that much to fix. Not to mention I've had days where I don't know whether I'm going to burst out laughing hysterically or start bawling my eyes out. Yes, while still at work.

Yesterday I had 2 people in the lobby before 8am, when we're officially open. To quote Peter Griffin, this really grinds my gears. The most annoying part is the outside door is locked and you have to use your access pass to enter before 8am. So guess who has to get up and down every single time someone (in an office with 300 employees) is locked out, forgets their badge, or decides to have an interview come for 8am. ME! I have to admit, one of the best part about this is seeing the interviewee's confused face as they realize they can't open the door and try to figure out what to do.

Scheduling an 8am meeting or interview is just dumb. But if you reaalllllly need to and you're the one scheduling it, you should be IN THE OFFICE for 8am. My work day starts at 7:30am, and in those 30mins before 8am, I have my morning routine to do. While it actually does include doing some work related stuff, it also means getting my morning cup of tea and breakfast. Tea = Happy Ruby. No tea and having to sit with guests until the the person comes out to get them = NOT happy Ruby.

One would think over the years and years that I've been here that I would have a stash of plastic bowls and spoons up at my desk and be prepared for such circumstances that could upset my morning routine. I have a mini fridge at my desk, which is supposed to be for me to give water bottles out to guest, buttttt it's more for me to have a place to store my lunch, string cheese snacks and all the milk I need for my cheerios. But no, yesterday I was not prepared.

As I sat in the lobby, calling employees that were clearly not in the office yet, I pondered how stupid it is that I'm stuck in my chair as soon as 8am rolls around. I couldn't believe that I wasn't going to get my tea or my breakfast because of this dumb rule. No one else has to be stuck in their chair, so why should I?! So I say screw it! I left the losers in the lobby and went to the kitchen to get my tea and cheerios bowl. :)

Short week, thank goodness you're almost over.